Ape in April

Game One: "Heroclix":

An all geek freak show if there ever was. One against three and the advantage lay clearly with ...me! I figured I'd put up a good fight in the name of Jack "King" Kirby but instead ended up the king whiner. I blubbed immediately when Annihilus couldn't be brought down by a few of the Thunder gods hammer pops. Boo-hoo! At right we see the black bag of a terrible veangence I promised to wreak on the others if I lost.

The battle was joined and it wasn't long before it was handily revealed that eliminating a trio of opponents is no problem when you're getting one turn for every enemy turn.
The games high point? Herc smashing Wolvy's glass tushy with a fist of steel! (See below)Adamantium indeed! Can't die? Wishes he were able to after the king kong trounce he was dealt. Take that! And back to the north woods with you, flea bit misery of rodentdom! How satisfying!

Eventually goodness triumphed (how could it not?) and the winner was declared. Me! But a terrible price was paid by all!

Yes below left we see the evil ebon purse contents spilled out spelling doom for all! It's the A-Bomb and Ol' Nick's own son ...Nick's-Son! Brrr! A cold chill ran through the room. Thor ran for his wife across the rainbow bridge, beating it to Asgaard trying to cover his rear. If only the rest of us were so lucky!
Game Two. Emergency!:Based on the once hit TV show which Dr. Kirby recalled featured Julie London. Hmm ...a total lack of any kind of that sort of appeal was very noticeable in this game. The crew spent a slow hour driving micro fire trucks from location to location in an attempt to find some point of interest in this slug dull drear. It did look for a moment that the local high schoolers were up to hi jinx (see card below right) but ...false alarm.

At right we see an inadvertant indicator of what this game could do to itself. How bad was it? Well ...at least they must have attempted to play test it once as the spinner was modified with numerous "spin again" reads so that the thing would move beyond a total creep. At bottom is the winner obviously overjoyed that the end had come and we could finally move on to game three. If we ever play this one again it will be an emergency.

Game Three. "Quiddler"

Quiddler! A word card game. Players build words with the cards they're dealt. Fast and fascinating for yours truly as I was the winner once again. And how could I not be with letter word combos like the below example falling into my hands. (Helpful hint to future players: stash a valuable dual letter card for later in the game! Cheating! The "T" prefered method of play!)
This game was surprisingly amusing and I could see taking another stab at it in the future. No ...I did not cheat. That comment was a ..."joke"! That's it for this month. Next month: Bad Movie Night! Wahoo!

Gacha

More to come

Europe should tremble

Infidels! Infidels all! And the worst of the infidels are those beholden to that sodden priest who fools only women and children with his claim to the chair of Peter. They wander here, they wander there. They sail into the frigid wastes where only the blue-skinned Norsemen should freeze their shriveled manhoods. And yet they allow the Saxon scriveller to thwart them all. With a handful of ragged princelings and monks whose satanic drivel stirs only the beggars of the street this Luther has humbled the great princes and emperors of the rump of Rome. Were their legions once again lost in ambush in the dark and frozen forests of the Germans? No! They dared not even venture into them. Perhaps they feared that the stuffed bears would be, that night, feasting out of doors. These infidels are truly weak. They squabble amongst themselves and none are fit to be the ally of Suleiman. In spite of this I have seized the Hungarian crown and given it to the least of my slaves. I have united the great city of Venice with my own beloved Kostantiniyye and the day will come when even Vienna shall finally fall to the Conqueror.

1 Here we see the plotting of the Infidels

2 The witless Roman infidels

3 Who's this guy?

4 The English accused

5 Heresy is spread

6 Fear of perdition

7 Heretic smirk

Full sized, blasphemous images; click here

But, for now, it is time for me to wash the dust of Rome from my hands and return to my Harem where my favorite, Roxelana, has too long been kept waiting.

Throne of my lonely niche, my wealth, my love, my moonlight.
My most sincere friend, my confidant, my very existence, my Sultan, my one and only love.
The most beautiful among the beautiful…
My springtime, my merry faced love, my daytime, my sweetheart, laughing leaf…
My plants, my sweet, my rose, the one only who does not distress me in this world…
My Istanbul, my Caraman, the earth of my Anatolia
My Badakhshan, my Baghdad and Khorasan
My woman of the beautiful hair, my love of the slanted brow, my love of eyes full of mischief…
I'll sing your praises always
I, lover of the tormented heart, Muhibbi of the eyes full of tears, I am happy.

-Suleiman the Lawgiver

Mental March

Game One (and only!): "A Mighty Fortress"

"A Mighty Fortress" and a bold experiment. On this damp March eve the Dyced crew tried a bold experiment! The "BHS", Boiled Historical Simulation. We took this 30 odd year old wonder and boiled 12 pages of rules down to a single vexed mess in the hope of being able to bring playtime in at under 3 hours. Normal game time was listed as 6 hours. Now in the long ago several attempts were made to play this monster with poor results. Never ever finished it even once.
let's see how our brave crew fared, shall we?
Above we see the historical personages from the game. Luther, Sulieman I, Henry VIII, Francis I, Charles the ...Hapsburg, and dear ol' Pope Clement(al) the VII. At left the action begins! The spead of an ill green tide can be seen creeping in from the east! The Turks are on the move! Who will stop them? Luther's deep brown menace swells in mid Europe. Pity the poor Pope undergunned and hanging on, deep blue in Italy. Meanwhile those zany and, theoretical, allies the French and Hapsbrgs are measuring each other up for a whack-a-thon. Smooth guys, smooth!

At right we see Loother infesting Poland with his austere and embittered heresies. Later in the game those jolly French would be happy to lend him an oar so he could export across the waves more non-Catholic craziness! Thanks "Franc"! The Pope misses the excommunication rules with a deep longing. But wait! It's getting late and here come the Jesuits! Take that you door' nailin' ne'er do wells! Gains are made in Germany and the Lutherans demand to see the rule book to make sure his Excellency isn't cooking it. Loother may demand his own "biblical" interpretation but the Pope knows he'll never find the chapter and verse he needs to prove his point.Ha ha!

At left the Jesuits do their blessed duty but ...all to no avail! The sly Loother has done his work well as has his chief ally ...SATAN! He's set the Hapsburgs and Frenchies at each others throats on the west coast of France and the slaughter is terrible! The guy upstairs has not totally deserted his holiness however and sees to it that the Turks are dealt a mini "Lepanto" off Italy's shores! Sulieman may be sitting in Venice but his plans for further expansion are now sunk.

Before we know it it's time for the final tally and the losers are ( in order, worst to least worst ): The Pope! A miserable -20 some points! The Frenchies! More minus points. The Hapsburgs! Another negatory. The English! At least a positive number here. The Ottoman Turks! Another respectable plus! Leaving the winner and top Weiner as none other than .................................

MARTIN LOOTHER!!??!!!

Yep! He walked off handily with a win second to none. Some may say that it was his skill and daring that won the day, others that it was the three stooge buffoonery of the Catholic triad that did it, but Pope Clement(al) knows in his bones that LUTHER is but a few letters away from LUCIFER, the real victor here. At left we see his devilish gloat. Enjoy it Marty, There's nasty surprises in store for you down below!
And so on to the critique of the BHS, Boiled Historical Simulation: It was fantastic! Throwing out rules was a great idea! This monster was supposed to be roughly 24 turns long and we did it in exactly 6! A triumph of fun and sloth!

Was it flawed? Sure. Was there some things that didn't work? Yeah. Was it a 2X laugh riot? Jawohl! Would we do it again? Absotively! One member was so enthused he looked this baby up online and found another group that had played it by email. With ALL the rules no less! I can't emagine how much time and effort this must have taken. And the result? LOOTHER WON THERE TOO!!! Man! Cannot imagine doing all that labor to end up with the same ending. This was a real acid test for the gang and I feel that the BHS has a real future with the Dyced crew. Nihil Obstat! Imprimatur!

Hibernation

"If Candlemas Day is bright and clear
There'll be two winters in the year."
Such, I'm told, is the Scottish origin of Groundhog Day. Hell's bells, boys and girls, feels like we've already had two winters. It's back to the burrow for this marmot.


Aye, this one was a snooze. And then I wake up with a target on my back and suffer ignomius assassination almost before my nail gun is holstered.


Then the Frog survives the war between the gangs that couldn't shoot straight. The red drapery? Shhh, Sacco & Vanzetti. Know what I mean?

"Sleep will unshell us, but not yet"

Philip Larkin

Two for February

Fast & furious in Feb! Game one: "Home Improvement"


Yes! Home Improvement! A hit TV show! This has got to be good, right? BZZZT! Oh! I'm terribly sorry but this game, advertised on the box as being" hilarious", was a stone cold dud. If it wasn't for the forced and half witty patter of the gamesters I'm sure we all would have snored the evening away. Above at right we can see the bored winner holding the game box with undisguised disgust and relief that this rock will never have to be crossed again. So many cards of such varied type and yet ...so few used. What was the point supposed to be? We gave up after and hour and declared the winner to be the poor chump who happened to stumble into enough equity to trump the rest of us. Thank Chet! Want an improvement for your home? Don't ever pick up this game.

Game two: "Assassin" Yes! Subterfugal murder! Now this is a meaty challenge that each and every one of the back stabbin' bone rollin' players could sink his teeth into. To the left ... the field of combat ...below ...the first victim eliminated by a half lipped souse scoundrel within the first ten (count 'em) minutes of play! A chill of fear and astonishment ran through our entire throng at seeing a player eliminated with such astounding rapidity! Who would be next?

Well the answer after many a missed attempts was that Dr Kirby had to go. Finally it was left for the last two players to go through a nail biting litany of attempted kills in order to end with none other than great Zeus's overseer as the champion of the night ( see above left) The final victim (see above right) gave a heroic showing burning money and luck in a failed try at victory. This game is recommended and has possibilities for replay at a later date. The fact that it's limited to only four gamers is a small drawback. The ease of the first kill of the game was exceedingly deceptive! And as for spending the big $$ on a more able assassin? seemed to be totally luck of the draw as evidenced by the number of photos in the above gallery of failures.

And with that we bid aw-doo to another month of gamimg! See you in March!

Yin Yang Conflict Chess Candy

No takers on the Game Night candy. None. None but me, and lemme tell you sumthin, cats and kittens, my head has been swimming, Mark Spitz-style, since Game Night! I haven't slept a wink and I can do square and cubed roots in my head now without using either my fingers or my toes, I can charge cell phones with just a wink of the eye, and I've been making the most amazing hospital corners on the Dr. and Mrs. Dr. Kirby connubial berth. X-Ray vision? Hah! I've got ZZZ-Ray vision, which means I can see through lead, phone books and all the deceitful artifices of even the most sociopathic of miscreants. I don't know what our good friends in the PRC (or Canada--I get a little confused sometimes in my geography) put in those cute little game piece-shaped confections, but they've changed my life--and my life was pretty weird to begin with! On the downside, I seem to be spending a lot of time mulling over group-win strategies for "Yin Yang"--which I find more than a little disturbing--and I've been having some difficulty finding the focus to finish simple.....

"Your optimist says the glass is half full
Your pessimist says it's half empty
Your realist wants to know what's in the glass
Your cynic is certain it's pee."

Oh, and I've evidently developed a need to write bad, lightly scatalogical poetry. I wonder if this sort of thing ever happened to Underdog or Captain Nice.

Number Six is Un-Mutual.